an incomplete list of reasons i am obsessed with the van ness burger king

 I've lived in DC for six years now, so sometimes people ask me for restaurant recommendations. They want to know the most unique or interesting places to go -- where can they have a truly DC experience? The answer is, without a doubt, the Van Ness Burger King. The Van Ness Burger King is unironically my favorite restaurant in DC and also possibly my favorite place on planet earth. Dining at the Van Ness Burger King is like stepping directly into a tornado. There are even people on bikes flying through the sky, to really lean in to the tornado vibe. It is chaotic, and it is truly perfect. I was thinking about all the beautiful things about the VNBK, and this incomplete list of things to live, laugh, and love about the Van Ness Burgher King was born. Please enjoy. 

1. The Van Ness Burger King is elaborately themed around 1980's and 90s movies. It's covered in faded movie posters and memorabilia. Especially memorable: the children on bikes hanging from the ceiling to promote E.T., the Jurassic Park dinosaur sticking out of one wall, and the Jaws shark hanging out of the other. There is also a gigantic neon movie theatre sign, which is gorgeous. When I take people to this Burger King, I make them tell me what piece of movie magic they would take home with them if they could, and almost everyone says shark/dino. I, however, covet the 80s jeans on the E.T. kids, which are fly as hell.

my friend Moira in the BK, feat. the weird kids on bikes and also the jaws shark

another angle from which you can see two of my favorite things: the 'kindergarten cop' poster and the random large sign advertising that they have mozzarella sticks 

2. The first floor of the Van Ness Burger King, instead of being movie themed like the other three (two and a half?) floors, is randomly music themed. There's a sign welcoming you to the music cafe (?) and there are a variety of guitars in glass cases just chilling in the dining room (??). It's also decorated with record covers (???). It's incredibly jarring given the very strong movie themed branding of the rest of the restaurant. You're just left there wondering, like, what are the guitars? Who do they belong to? Is there some kind of a backstory with these guitars? Were they owned by someone incredibly famous? And why couldn't the owner stick to one theme?  

the ~music cafe~ 

3. There is a gigantic sign over the drink station that says "THIRSTY?" and I want to hang in it my home. There is nothing better on earth than this sign. 

4. There is an incredibly loud water based sound emanating from the floor of the Van Ness Burger King bathroom at all times. The sound is deafeningly loud, and I can't quite pinpoint it to describe it except to say that every time I enter the bathroom, I think about that Tumblr post that says "hear it hurgling" because "hurgling" is exactly the noise the Van Ness Burger King women's restroom makes. It is at once a loud bubbling and the swooshing of water flowing. It sounds like the toilet is moments away from exploding at any given time. It is a majestic sound, like one might imagine the Hoover Dam makes. 

the hear it hurgling post, for the uninitiated

5. Every time in my life I have gone to the Van Ness Burger King, I have been hit on or catcalled by a man. Once when I was leaving the Burger King, a man pulled up in a pickup truck and was all, "where are you goin' baby, you need a ride?" and I was like absolutely not, whatever this whole situation is? Is cancelled. The men in this Burger King radiate an absolutely chaotic energy that I believe to be unparalleled by men in any other place on earth.

I went to the Burger King recently to pick up takeout Whoppers for me and my girlfriend, because we know how to party. I thought that maybe, after a full year of the pandemic, the good people of the Van Ness Burger King would perhaps have learned to respect a masked woman going to pick up burgers. The good people did not meet my lofty expectations. There were two other people in the Burger King, both men, who unfortunately both asked if I "have" a "boyfriend." The only "man" I have is the Burger King himself, sirs. Please respect that journey for me. 

6. There is always someone, somewhere in the Burger King, sadly playing a harmonica. It is haunting and makes you feel like you've been transported back in time and are maybe on the Oregon Trail. 

7. There is a large sign on the ground floor of the Burger King that reads "PLAY PLACE downstairs." But then you go downstairs and there is not a playplace?? Or even a space that could conceivably have ever held a playplace??? I'm not sure what to think about this. 

8. Outside of the Burger King women's restroom, there is a small alcove. To hold what, you ask? Couldn't tell you. It's empty, but it feels cursed, like maybe some kind of statue used to live there before it came to life and ran away from this place.

9. The Van Ness Burger King sells a "bag of ice" for $1.49, like the kind of thing you might be asked to bring to a cookout. There are large signs advertising that you can buy BAG OF ICE right here, at the Van Ness Burger King! Why can you buy bag of ice at the Burger King? I've never seen a Burger King that sells bags of ice. When and why did this one expand their offerings? Do they also sell red solo cups and an assortment of summery beverages? Who the fuck is buying BAG OF ICE? I don't know, and it tortures me. 

10. There is not a single table in the VNBK that is stable enough to not fuck up your meal a little bit. It's impossible to not spill your soda at the Van Ness Burger King. Every five seconds, someone is having to apologize for accidentally jostling the table slightly and immediately throwing the entire BK experience into jeopardy. It's beautiful.  

11. I have spent many an evening in the Van Ness Burger King, and one thing that I have learned is that it tells you when it is time to leave. You are suddenly filled with a sense of dread and immediately you must vacate the premises. It's like the Burger King itself is telling you that it's your time to go. Heed its instructions and go away from this place. It will call you back again soon with its sweet siren song, beckoning you to a place of movie memories, spilled soda, and hurgling bathrooms.